One of the most heartbreaking moments for me is in the epilogue. That moment that dean says he’d never live on the ranch again. The story opened with him saying how much he loved the land he was raised on and he couldn’t think about leaving the horses and the land and John Fucking Winchester broke that. He broke a connection that Dean felt down to his bones and I hate that for him.
I still think Zeppelin should have kicked John in the head
it is unfair. and the thing is that with the situation he was in, Dean was never going to be able to leave on his own terms or pick and choose what he kept. he never had the power in the household to be able to do that. there's a bit of this preluded when he's talking to Zepp after Sam learns the truth/leaves, and Dean calls Kate and tells somebody for the first time what's happening, and he knows the gig is almost up but didn't expect things to spoil so fast:
"Above him, the beech leaves rippled with the breeze. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to this tree, these trails, the section of river he grew up with. Why did growing up take so much losing? He’d worked hard and he tried his best and he sought to be honest with himself, and he had to sacrifice his life’s foundations because of it? He wasn’t perfect, but he’d never done anything so wrong to deserve that punishment."
like, he definitely feels in that moment, before the final blowout, that things are coming to an end and he didn't want it yet. he's got something else to hold on to, there's a sense of future and not being totally unmoored, but he also knows he can't live status quo at the ranch AND have Cas. but he wanted more time to figure it out.
then the way things ended with John slammed that door closed. and the thing with the house is that it was always slightly haunted by Mary (who may or may not have experienced what Dean did - he simply cannot know for sure), and I think if Dean stayed his past would've haunted the place too. he can't look at it without a double-vision of his worst moments playing alongside the current reality. and in some ways it took being away from it and understanding what love feels like, what the life he wants to have feels like, that pulls back the curtain on how hated and miserable he felt growing up. not just that final beating, but every mind game and threat and unpredictable surge of violence, constant throughout his life, seems more unforgivable now when he's not in the midst of it
which, yeah, none of that to say it's not bitter for him, too, to lose it
their soft epilogue<3 it took so much restraint to not read this right away back in august but i'm glad i waited because this was such a nice little treat today. and it was made all the more better being "in real time" with the fall vibes. the story ending with them dancing in the cottage kitchen, that soft-lit gauzy dream filter over them, as they hope for the future opening up before them is so perfect and a great juxtaposition to the first part of this chapter. truly a "one door closing, as another opens" moment. he has to say goodbye to his first home and put all that behind him, but there's so so much more coming. a new home he and cas will build together !! their horse rescue !! i'm so excited for them<3
nicely done, waiting it out! and there really is something to be said for the time that has passed in all our lives, to know how far Dean must be feeling from all that went on for him. it's been a month and a half. that's short, compared to a lifetime of what he went through. but mid-August was ages back, now, too. and he's had every day with the guy he loves, and his future doesn't close out in darkness any more. it extends endlessly from here <3
One of the most heartbreaking moments for me is in the epilogue. That moment that dean says he’d never live on the ranch again. The story opened with him saying how much he loved the land he was raised on and he couldn’t think about leaving the horses and the land and John Fucking Winchester broke that. He broke a connection that Dean felt down to his bones and I hate that for him.
I still think Zeppelin should have kicked John in the head
it is unfair. and the thing is that with the situation he was in, Dean was never going to be able to leave on his own terms or pick and choose what he kept. he never had the power in the household to be able to do that. there's a bit of this preluded when he's talking to Zepp after Sam learns the truth/leaves, and Dean calls Kate and tells somebody for the first time what's happening, and he knows the gig is almost up but didn't expect things to spoil so fast:
"Above him, the beech leaves rippled with the breeze. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to this tree, these trails, the section of river he grew up with. Why did growing up take so much losing? He’d worked hard and he tried his best and he sought to be honest with himself, and he had to sacrifice his life’s foundations because of it? He wasn’t perfect, but he’d never done anything so wrong to deserve that punishment."
like, he definitely feels in that moment, before the final blowout, that things are coming to an end and he didn't want it yet. he's got something else to hold on to, there's a sense of future and not being totally unmoored, but he also knows he can't live status quo at the ranch AND have Cas. but he wanted more time to figure it out.
then the way things ended with John slammed that door closed. and the thing with the house is that it was always slightly haunted by Mary (who may or may not have experienced what Dean did - he simply cannot know for sure), and I think if Dean stayed his past would've haunted the place too. he can't look at it without a double-vision of his worst moments playing alongside the current reality. and in some ways it took being away from it and understanding what love feels like, what the life he wants to have feels like, that pulls back the curtain on how hated and miserable he felt growing up. not just that final beating, but every mind game and threat and unpredictable surge of violence, constant throughout his life, seems more unforgivable now when he's not in the midst of it
which, yeah, none of that to say it's not bitter for him, too, to lose it
their soft epilogue<3 it took so much restraint to not read this right away back in august but i'm glad i waited because this was such a nice little treat today. and it was made all the more better being "in real time" with the fall vibes. the story ending with them dancing in the cottage kitchen, that soft-lit gauzy dream filter over them, as they hope for the future opening up before them is so perfect and a great juxtaposition to the first part of this chapter. truly a "one door closing, as another opens" moment. he has to say goodbye to his first home and put all that behind him, but there's so so much more coming. a new home he and cas will build together !! their horse rescue !! i'm so excited for them<3
nicely done, waiting it out! and there really is something to be said for the time that has passed in all our lives, to know how far Dean must be feeling from all that went on for him. it's been a month and a half. that's short, compared to a lifetime of what he went through. but mid-August was ages back, now, too. and he's had every day with the guy he loves, and his future doesn't close out in darkness any more. it extends endlessly from here <3