Oh. I’d forgotten that Doc Benson’s death is kind of the beginning of the avalanche of Events.
I resent the hell out of Sam. I get that he’s getting out for himself. Because it’s the best thing for HIM. And well done for him not wanting to put up with it anymore. Angsty selfish teenaged know-it-all-ness for the win here. But really? His solution is to give Dean a 2 minute “free yourself” speech to Dean and when it doesn’t work, walk out of his life forever knowing that Dean is planning to stay in this terrible situation. Sam acknowledges that he knows Dean is physically in danger from John’s abuse and has known for a while and he goes ‘well I tried’ when yelling at Dean didn’t work.
Let’s have another chorus of Fuck John Winchester, but I have to say at no point is Sam particularly endearing in this story either.
his death is completely unrelated but absolutely intertwined with everything that comes after
in a generous reading, it's possible that Sam knows that he's a big part of what keeps Dean from leaving. if his security is no longer a factor, maybe Dean will do what he has to. but he's also kind of throwing his hands in the air and saying he gives up on this whole situation like it's past him to fix (which. it is.) but yeah, he's not taking seriously the level of danger Dean's in. how Sam leaving exacerbates the toxic atmosphere in the house. he thinks he sees everything so clearly fired-up teenage rage and sense of purpose, but he's also a) grown up in a funhouse mirror maze courtesy of John, and b) is still convinced by at least some of the myths that Dean perpetuates of things being under control/never to get out of hand. I don't think Sam hears Dean when he says, "he'll kill me if I leave." to Sam it's an exaggeration and, also, a paradox because if Dean leaves he'll be out. so he doesn't think deeply about it. but what Dean's really saying is "he'll kill me, he'll kill me, it won't matter when or for what, I didn't use to know it, but he'll kill me here." we the readers know that this fear, this understanding, has been building in Dean through the summer. he's saying it out loud now, but that doesn't mean he knows what to do about it
That “he’ll kill me” for the first time to us readers (I think?) identifying why Dean doesn’t see a future outside John.
And why it’s safer to stay. Sure a broken arm and having to deal with John’s moods sucks but it’s better than being dead. Because if that’s how John treats him when he’s being useful...
oof what a day! literally feels like the longest day imaginable. by the time i got to the end of this update the test felt like ages ago. he sits through all those nerve-wracking hours. then gets a glorious fun date. their first date!!! and then smooches. and then it's all downhill from there.
i forgot it was sam that finds out abt the abuse first. and oof what a way to have that secret out. it's been said already but sam is just, so very fifteen. and he's not exactly the best (or most capable) support to have in this situation. he cares and means well but there's not much he can do. and he doesn't see how his own actions and anger toward john are just making the situation worse for dean. and god, just, everything coming out of dean in that confrontation with sam. the truth abt zepp going blind, how trapped he is without any financial security, the realization that john will kill him, literally, one day. feeling unwanted by others. just all his fears that have been churning for so long finally coming out. i was half-expecting him to say something abt cas too since i'd forgotten everything abt this confrontation. but yea, he's here, he's reaching that tipping point.
the test itself would make for a long, long day, and then he comes home to this
you're right that Sam cares, and part of what he can't stand here is his own helplessness. he thinks he's so smart and observant but he hasn't even caught on to this and he doesn't know what to do! and there's really very little he can do, and maybe he thinks it's his turn to lead the way, set an example for Dean and show him it can be done. (his decisions aren't quite that coherent - all he knows for sure is that he has to leave because he has to. he's scared and his thoughts become circular.)
and Dean says so much that he hasn't said to anyone. even Cas doesn't know the extent of this low self-worth (he's under the starry-eyed impression that Dean must know just how well-loved by everyone he is. how impossible not to love). and when I was writing I wondered, too, if Cas might slip out, but that's something just too precious and fragile to Dean even in this heightened moment. he wants to tell Sam one day, but he wants it to be a good moment, a focused and positive one
I can't blame him too much because I understand him (more or less), it's just that his behaviour sometimes is so diametrically opposite to Dean's that it's shocking. In the way he doesn't even press Dean to tell him everything, he backs off first and vaguely discusses it with Dean later.
Somehow he believes getting himself out of the way is better for Dean than leaving him alone and on his own with no one having his back that knows the truth. He doesn't ask him to come with him either (I know he can't take Dean, but he could propose him to follow and get a new life in the same place as him, not just a "you should get out")
I don't know I can't really blame him because it must be scary as fuck and not a situation that comes with a manual but also... shows off a bit of Sam's nature... that under a certain light... one could consider to be... a tad selfish.
much like in the show, the brothers arguing inevitably makes things worse. neither manages to voice what they'd really like or think, and they act in ways that don't help either of them get ahead. ultimately, Sam does want Dean to be safe, but he also knows his presence obviously doesn't add any layer of protection or safety (it doesn't - the first explosion we see from John, on the page, is a result of Sam's return while he's sitting cozy inside the house). and he doesn't want to stick around just to be lied to by Dean (and that's what would happen - Dean would take this moment and say to himself "clearly I need to do better at keeping this from Sam so we don't fight again/so he doesn't go away"). that's not to say Sam makes the best choice, but he definitely feels helpless and this is the only thing he knows he CAN do. even if Dean shot down his suggestions of who could help, he has to hope something will stick for the future
Also I get Dean's anxiety in the test is completely accurate because before reaching that part even I was imagining John bursting through the door and making a fuss and taking Dean out (so yeah I was scared in advance I guess good job teen_dean for giving me made-up ptsd )
Big day for babygirls
big big day
Oh. I’d forgotten that Doc Benson’s death is kind of the beginning of the avalanche of Events.
I resent the hell out of Sam. I get that he’s getting out for himself. Because it’s the best thing for HIM. And well done for him not wanting to put up with it anymore. Angsty selfish teenaged know-it-all-ness for the win here. But really? His solution is to give Dean a 2 minute “free yourself” speech to Dean and when it doesn’t work, walk out of his life forever knowing that Dean is planning to stay in this terrible situation. Sam acknowledges that he knows Dean is physically in danger from John’s abuse and has known for a while and he goes ‘well I tried’ when yelling at Dean didn’t work.
Let’s have another chorus of Fuck John Winchester, but I have to say at no point is Sam particularly endearing in this story either.
his death is completely unrelated but absolutely intertwined with everything that comes after
in a generous reading, it's possible that Sam knows that he's a big part of what keeps Dean from leaving. if his security is no longer a factor, maybe Dean will do what he has to. but he's also kind of throwing his hands in the air and saying he gives up on this whole situation like it's past him to fix (which. it is.) but yeah, he's not taking seriously the level of danger Dean's in. how Sam leaving exacerbates the toxic atmosphere in the house. he thinks he sees everything so clearly fired-up teenage rage and sense of purpose, but he's also a) grown up in a funhouse mirror maze courtesy of John, and b) is still convinced by at least some of the myths that Dean perpetuates of things being under control/never to get out of hand. I don't think Sam hears Dean when he says, "he'll kill me if I leave." to Sam it's an exaggeration and, also, a paradox because if Dean leaves he'll be out. so he doesn't think deeply about it. but what Dean's really saying is "he'll kill me, he'll kill me, it won't matter when or for what, I didn't use to know it, but he'll kill me here." we the readers know that this fear, this understanding, has been building in Dean through the summer. he's saying it out loud now, but that doesn't mean he knows what to do about it
That “he’ll kill me” for the first time to us readers (I think?) identifying why Dean doesn’t see a future outside John.
And why it’s safer to stay. Sure a broken arm and having to deal with John’s moods sucks but it’s better than being dead. Because if that’s how John treats him when he’s being useful...
I gotta make a post about vocalizing this knowledge of just how in danger he understands he is, but yeah, this is the first instance he says it aloud
oh deannnnnn
when everything starts to crumble
oof what a day! literally feels like the longest day imaginable. by the time i got to the end of this update the test felt like ages ago. he sits through all those nerve-wracking hours. then gets a glorious fun date. their first date!!! and then smooches. and then it's all downhill from there.
i forgot it was sam that finds out abt the abuse first. and oof what a way to have that secret out. it's been said already but sam is just, so very fifteen. and he's not exactly the best (or most capable) support to have in this situation. he cares and means well but there's not much he can do. and he doesn't see how his own actions and anger toward john are just making the situation worse for dean. and god, just, everything coming out of dean in that confrontation with sam. the truth abt zepp going blind, how trapped he is without any financial security, the realization that john will kill him, literally, one day. feeling unwanted by others. just all his fears that have been churning for so long finally coming out. i was half-expecting him to say something abt cas too since i'd forgotten everything abt this confrontation. but yea, he's here, he's reaching that tipping point.
the test itself would make for a long, long day, and then he comes home to this
you're right that Sam cares, and part of what he can't stand here is his own helplessness. he thinks he's so smart and observant but he hasn't even caught on to this and he doesn't know what to do! and there's really very little he can do, and maybe he thinks it's his turn to lead the way, set an example for Dean and show him it can be done. (his decisions aren't quite that coherent - all he knows for sure is that he has to leave because he has to. he's scared and his thoughts become circular.)
and Dean says so much that he hasn't said to anyone. even Cas doesn't know the extent of this low self-worth (he's under the starry-eyed impression that Dean must know just how well-loved by everyone he is. how impossible not to love). and when I was writing I wondered, too, if Cas might slip out, but that's something just too precious and fragile to Dean even in this heightened moment. he wants to tell Sam one day, but he wants it to be a good moment, a focused and positive one
So Sam- He finds out about that and he leaves?
I can't blame him too much because I understand him (more or less), it's just that his behaviour sometimes is so diametrically opposite to Dean's that it's shocking. In the way he doesn't even press Dean to tell him everything, he backs off first and vaguely discusses it with Dean later.
Somehow he believes getting himself out of the way is better for Dean than leaving him alone and on his own with no one having his back that knows the truth. He doesn't ask him to come with him either (I know he can't take Dean, but he could propose him to follow and get a new life in the same place as him, not just a "you should get out")
I don't know I can't really blame him because it must be scary as fuck and not a situation that comes with a manual but also... shows off a bit of Sam's nature... that under a certain light... one could consider to be... a tad selfish.
much like in the show, the brothers arguing inevitably makes things worse. neither manages to voice what they'd really like or think, and they act in ways that don't help either of them get ahead. ultimately, Sam does want Dean to be safe, but he also knows his presence obviously doesn't add any layer of protection or safety (it doesn't - the first explosion we see from John, on the page, is a result of Sam's return while he's sitting cozy inside the house). and he doesn't want to stick around just to be lied to by Dean (and that's what would happen - Dean would take this moment and say to himself "clearly I need to do better at keeping this from Sam so we don't fight again/so he doesn't go away"). that's not to say Sam makes the best choice, but he definitely feels helpless and this is the only thing he knows he CAN do. even if Dean shot down his suggestions of who could help, he has to hope something will stick for the future
Also I get Dean's anxiety in the test is completely accurate because before reaching that part even I was imagining John bursting through the door and making a fuss and taking Dean out (so yeah I was scared in advance I guess good job teen_dean for giving me made-up ptsd )
the tension had been simmering so long, a test was bound to exacerbate it